When someone says to you, “I love my mother,” you probably don’t find yourself thinking, “Yay! Love is awesome!”. That is because you aren’t in love with your mother figures. You always thought it was healthy to let go of your anger, find forgiveness, and move on with your life. Still, it’s been ages, and you still hold this huge grudge against your mom that you never even told her about.
You hate her so much, but you can’t bring yourself to say how you feel — because you know the damage is already done, and she has no idea what she’s done wrong. You could hate your mother for several reasons — we’ve all been there. But since it’s essential to realize the reasons behind the hatred to cope, let’s discuss them quickly and look at the coping strategies.
Reasons Why You Hate Your Mother
You might have been told you shouldn’t hate your mother as a child. But you may struggle with negative feelings toward your mom as an adult. There are many reasons why you might be angry with your mother, such as:
- She was loving but overprotective.
You might feel your mother tried to control every aspect of your life. This could be especially common if she raised you while dealing with her emotional problems. You might feel she violated your rights and privacy if she overstepped boundaries. This can create lasting resentment and hostility.
- She was abusive or neglectful.
If your mother was abusive or neglectful, it’s common to feel hatred toward her. While it’s possible to get past this type of anger, it’s also normal if you cannot forgive her for mistreating you as a child or teen.
- She didn’t give you enough attention or affection as a child.
Children who don’t receive adequate parental affection often grow into adults.
- She was intrusive.
Some mothers have no boundaries and feel that your life is their business, so they intrude on it constantly by asking questions, giving advice, etc.
- She’s manipulative and controlling.
Some mothers are very manipulative and controlling and still try to control their adult children as they did when they were young.
Is It Okay to Feel Like You Hate Your Mother?
Yes, it is okay to feel like you hate your mother. It is not only okay but also completely normal. The problem lies not in having them but in how we cope with them. For example, holding onto our negative feelings without processing or learning from them can negatively affect our lives.
But if we can accept those negative emotions for what they are — just emotions — then we can learn from them and let them go. This is part of the healing process for anyone with a narcissistic parent. Whatever the reasons, it’s normal for you who grew up with abusive or neglectful mothers to feel angry at them even long after they’re out of your lives and no longer under their control.
What Do You Do When You Hate Your Mother?
It’s hard to have a relationship with your mother if you don’t like her, yet many people continue to try. When we were children, we depended on our mothers for our physical and emotional needs, so we had no choice but to love her. As an adult, however, you are free to decide whether or not to continue living with your mother in your life.
The first step is to ask yourself why you hate your mother. If it’s just one incident, it might be forgivable. But if there are many reasons for your hatred, you need to consider what she did that was terrible and whether she can still be a part of your life as an adult.
The second step is to recognize that this is not about you. You may have felt unloved or unwanted by Mom all along, but now realize that it wasn’t because she didn’t care enough—she had been hurt so badly by others who didn’t understand her pain either!
If none of this makes sense, then maybe now’s when some counseling may help both parties involved here.
You can’t always choose the family you were born into, but that doesn’t mean you must let your family members’ actions dictate your life. If you’re experiencing a toxic relationship with your mother, there are ways to improve it, and the easiest way is to start with forgiveness. However, it’s easier said than done. Let me help you find some tips to get started with it.
How to Forgive Your Mother?
Forgiving someone is never easy, but it’s even more difficult when that person is your mother, right? However, to move on with your life and become at peace with yourself and others, you need to forgive all those who have hurt you.
If you feel that your relationship with your mother has deteriorated over the years and that it’s time to mend things between you, here’s why you must forgive her.
Forgiving your mother is essential for your peace of mind. If you’re angry, resentful, or hurt by your relationship with your mother, you may struggle with unresolved toxic anger. This type of anger can linger for years and cause physical and mental health problems. Forgiving yourself can help to ease these feelings and improve your overall well-being. You can also benefit from forgiving your mother herself.
Additionally, forgiveness is crucial to healing after a loss or trauma. It allows us to move on from the past and focus our energy on the present moment. To forgive your mother, you must release negative emotions like guilt, shame, and blame. This will allow you to heal mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Forgiveness will enable you to move forward with a renewed sense of purpose and hope.
Furthermore, accept that your mother is human. Maybe she was abusive, neglectful, hateful, or just generally unpleasant. But remember that humans are fallible, and she is no exception. She was likely dealing with emotional turmoil when she lashed out at you, and you need to realize this so that you can forgive her for her mistakes as a mother.
Acknowledge your feelings about your mother’s behavior. If something was particularly traumatic for you, like being abandoned as a child, write down how it made you feel at the time and how it makes you feel now. This can help you gain perspective and understand what happened from an objective point of view rather than an emotional one.
Identify what needs forgiving. You may have a long list of grievances against your mother, but go ahead and start somewhere on that list. Asking for forgiveness, for one thing, sets the stage for further work down the road.
Set aside time for reflection and introspection so that no other distractions interfere with this process. Ask yourself why this specific act. Forgiveness does not mean condoning what your mother did or saying that she was justified in her actions, but it means letting go of the negative feelings and releasing yourself from the pain she caused you.
I recommend getting professional counseling if the above suggestions don’t work as a quick fix.
What Are the Positive Effects of Forgiving Your Mother?
One of the most critical parts of forgiving your mother is that it frees you from the anger and resentment you may be holding onto. When you forgive, you may be able to have a more honest, open relationship with her and can focus on other aspects of your life. Forgiving your mother:
- It allows you to develop new relationships
If you are angry at your mom for past incidents, trusting others or developing new relationships might be difficult. As a result, you might miss out on many happiness opportunities in your life. Forgiveness allows you to move forward and develop new relationships that give your life meaning.
- It gives you back a lost childhood
When you’re in a bad relationship with your mother, it can cause you to lose precious years — especially if she is abusive or neglectful. However, forgiveness can help restore those lost years and help you enjoy the benefits of having a loving mother in your life.
- It helps you protect future generations
If your mother mistreated or abused you during childhood, it might influence how you raise your children as an adult. If this is the case, forgiving her can help you become a better parent and protect future generations from being mistreated by their
Most people’s relationship with their mothers is one of the most complex and meaningful in their lives. Regardless of your childhood or how you feel about your mom now, forgiving her has many benefits, including improving your mental and physical health.
You may be surprised at how forgiving your mother can change your life. It is a massive step toward self-healing and allowing you to begin to heal others.
Many people grow up feeling immense resentment toward their mothers. In some cases, this can lead to acute psychological problems requiring a trained professional’s help for recovery if you suffer extreme emotional distress when interacting with your mother. In that case, you may consider finding an expert counselor and addressing these issues before they become too large to handle.
- Ryan, R., O’Farrelly, C., & Ramchandani, P. (2017). Parenting and child mental health. London Journal of Primary Care, 9(6), 86–94. https://doi.org/10.1080/17571472.2017.1361630
- Duncombe, M. E., Havighurst, S. S., Holland, K. A., & Frankling, E. J. (2012). The contribution of parenting practices and parent emotion factors in children at risk for disruptive behavior disorders. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 43(5), 715–733. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-012-0290-5